Welcome to a complicated world, baby!

Some of my friends just welcomed a third child into their family! I perused their photos online and still haven't heard the whole story (which apparently involved some intense medical interventions), but what I am struck by is the love that is so evident in those photos. The twin "babies" I used to change and comfort and cajole when I babysat for them are now caring for their teensy sister, smoothing down her wispy hair and dangling colorful toys in front of her still-blurry eyes. They've only known her for three days, but already they are glowing with pride and an obvious desire to protect their new sibling. According to my friend's note, she and her husband can hardly hold the baby at all--her big sister and brother want to cuddle with her all the time!

I have to say, I feel somewhat ashamed thinking about this family's story. Here's why: in high school, I edited the school newspaper and I once wrote an op-ed piece railing against fertility treatments (this was back in '98, when the fertility-treatment induced surge of twins, triplets and even sextuplets in my community was big news). I loudly advocated adoption over IVF without giving much thought to the pro-IVF view and the feelings of the couples who are desperate for a biological child. One of my teachers at the time pulled me aside and said she hoped I'd never have to be in the position to need fertility assistance, but that maybe I shouldn't be so quick to judge. I remember feeling embarrassed, but I did not change my views.

Since then, several of my former teachers have shared with me their conception struggles and their experiences with IVF treatments and the fabulous children they were able to conceive through the process. (Strangely, several of them have gotten pregnant again without IVF some four or more years down the line! I'm not sure what the takeaway lesson here is--maybe that you get pregnant when you stop trying?) In any case, all of them felt that the fertility treatments were a moral choice and worth the stress and financial investment. However, I still struggle with my complicated feelings about IVF in a world of children desperate to be adopted into a loving family.

What I do know from the photos of my friends' kids is that that new baby is receiving love love love from her brother and sister, and that her parents are prepared to do their very best for her because they've had practice with the twins. She wouldn't be getting those kisses and winks and silly faces if her brother and sister hadn't been conceived through fertility treatments. And her parents wouldn't be the capable, confident people they are--smiling and shining in the pictures--if they hadn't gone through what they did in order to get pregnant the first time. I would give my right leg to have even one child as brilliant and kind and joyful as the twins are, and as I know their little sister is bound to be.

But would I have fertility treatments? I really, really hope my husband and I don't have to make that choice someday...

Stealing a baby

"Thou shalt not covet"...that adorable 9-month-old baby in a green, hand-knit, goofy hat, sitting on Santa's lap in the midst of happy-smelling Christmas trees on a chilly afternoon.

Hmmm, looks like I sinned big-time today.

Hope Santa was too busy dandling the baby on his knee to notice.

Letter to Santa

Are 30-year-olds allowed to write letters to Santa? If so, here's what I'd write:

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is A) world peace, B) an end to global warming and C) a baby. Not a fully formed baby--spare the elves, I can do the work--just the conception part would be fine.

I personally think I've been pretty good this year; the mean things I've actually done (as opposed to having thought about doing) have mostly involved cutting people off in traffic and yelling at the radio when dumb people are talking. I know these things count against me but they must seem pretty mundane compared to some people's naughtiness, right? C'mon Santa--keep me on the "nice" list for another year!

It would be incredible if you could find it in your heart to grace my husband and I with a healthy fetus, and honestly, it would really restore my faith in you as something more than a commercial gimmick (not that you have anything to prove...). Plus, if I end up pregnant by Christmas, I promise to do even more to bring about world peace and an end to global warming--I'll certainly be motivated to improve this world if I know I'm bringing an innocent soul into it in the next nine months!

Thanks for you time, consideration and hearty laughter, Santa.

Love,

CFJ

Spread 'Em

Odd thought in yoga tonight: there are very few times in my current life when I allow my legs to be completely wide open.

For the 15 years during which I was a gymnast, the "straddle" position was just a normal, everyday stance for me. However, since I graduated from high school and stopped spreading 'em wide for uneven bar routines, etc., I only make the leg-V when doing my post-run/workout stretching regime or in yoga.

Obviously, in yoga it's a whole different thing--a vulnerable, opening kind of thing that I was feeling a little bit wary of tonight. As I lay on my back with my legs bent up, heels together, knees apart, I thought about this and remembered the birth I went to as part of my Senior Project in high school, how the laboring woman had her legs spread-eagled as her husband and I held her her feet against our chests. Quite a view! Lots of opening...

Although I know every woman choses a different position for giving birth (with a midwife, at least), it does seem to me that I'll need to regain some of my comfort and confidence with my legs being spread open if I'm to allow for the literal and psychological openness that birth requires. I can already see, just from the yoga position, how tricky and risky it is to open one's legs wide and give in to the experience--not use it to stretch particular muscles or to prepare for a particular movement, but to just let the whole body breathe. Given how wide the vagina has to open literally, giving birth must be a psychic/energetic opening beyond my wildest imagination!

Scary thought, but oh so inviting too.

Off the chart

Today I stopped into the new library in my area to peruse their range of--guess what--fertility books. A glossy, Usborne-esque volume caught my eye with its cheery color scheme and stiff pages. In the section about optimizing your chances for conception were the usual pieces of advice about limiting alcohol intake, exercising, eating right and taking boatloads of folic acid, etc. However, in a side-bar was this little gem: "Avoid charting your temperature and timing sex to your fertile days; the stress of doing so will reduce your chances of conception beyond any benefit the charting might offer. Just have sex two to three times a week."

WOW. That breezy bit of wisdom is so intriguing. Is it condescending? Are women really so "stressed" by paying attention to their bodies and cycles that it would be more to our advantage to just live in blissful ignorance? Isn't "taking charge of your fertility" supposed to be empowering, not distressing? What happened to our belief in the power of knowledge, especially self-knowledge?

On the other hand, it can be less enjoyable to have sex in response to the fertility chart, and watching my temperatures behave somewhat erratically does make me anxious about whether or not all my hormones are lining up properly. When I'm stressed, my cycle gets all out of whack, which has to make getting pregnant less likely. If I wasn't watching so carefully, maybe my stress level would be lower and all my body systems would function at a more optimal level?

Hhmmm....what to do?

(Ironic that I'm now stressing out about the advice meant to lower my stress.)

The Zen of Errands

Running errands is both irritating and soothing. There's something satisfying in checking those tasks off one's mental list, but there's also the mundaneness of it all and the sense that you should be doing something else--exercising? writing? reading?--with that lingering afternoon light. I was walking around Target tonight, after having grabbed some groceries and gotten the car washed, when I tried to figure out how in the world I would do those things with a baby in tow.

I might be crazy, but I don't think you can do two hours of errands at the end of the day with a baby. How does who's a parent get anything done? I've heard parents lament the total lack of personal time and space that comes with having a child, but I haven't really thought in a detailed way about how having a baby will radically alter the way I manage the practical, quotidian pressures of groceries, dinners, cats, cars, the mail, paying bills...Life.

It already seems that, "The hurrier I go the behinder I get." I'd better learn to appreciate how much time I really do have now, even if I always feel like I should be getting more accomplished. Or maybe, the whole concepts of accomplishment and what "needs" to get done just change when you have a child?

Round Five

So, I didn't have to stress about whether or not to use the Early Results Pregnancy Test because it became obvious to me that I was going to get my period last weekend, while camping. And I did. *sigh* Not the most fun part of my 30th birthday, I have to say.

When I made sad eyes at my husband about another cycle come and gone without a pregnancy, he repeats his fertility mantra: "We have to stay positive. That's the most important thing."

Is he right? Is it worth getting my hopes up every month? Wouldn't it maybe be better to be painfully pessimistic and wallow in how unlikely we are to get pregnant and then--wow!--someday end up pleasantly surprised? Three couples I know needed fertility help for their first kids and then got pregnant without trying about seven years down the line. Maybe if I just give up hope and condoms, someday I'll miraculously spawn a child! But alas, I suppose cynicism and negativity don't create the optimal baby-making environment, spiritually speaking.

I'm such a whiner--we've only been trying for four months and I'm already discouraged? Millions of women have had to keep their spirits up for years before they carry a child to term. I need to suck it up! Pep talk complete: tonight I'll toast to my husband's wisdom (yes, I'm drinking again and it's dreamy) and will "stay positive" for another spin of the lunar cycle.