An Oddity

I like my reproductive endocrinologist (RE); I do. I like him even though he just called my uterus "an oddity." He has his theories about how and why it's misshaped the way it is, but he has "never seen anything like it before." Okay, so I'm unique--but the word oddity suggests that I'm unique in the "special bus" way, not the "rare black diamond" way. Annoying.

I figure there have to be some other odd ducks like myself out there, but searching cyber-space I fail to find anything that seems like a direct match. So naturally I turn to Amazon.com for more information. Here's the smorgasbord of items that comes up when I search "uterus":

1. a Uterus w/ Fetus Model Set;
2. a book called from 1864 called On the causes and treatment of abortion and sterility: being the result of an extended practical inquiry into the physiological and morbid conditions of the uterus;
3. the boxed set of Friends Season 4 (video on demand);
4. a stuffed Uterus Plush Figure made by Womb Service (complete with ovaries and a smile);
5. the mp3 for a song called "Jail";
6. a CD entitled Aquitania: Christmas Music from Aquitanian Monasteries (12th Century);
7. Mammary and Uterus Care tea;
8. Uterus PowerPoint slides;
9. a black men's t-shirt emblazoned with the confident phrase "UTERUS BRUISER";
10. a German-language DVD called L-Shots.

Wow, talk about an oddity! That list is like an oulipo poem and does absolutely nothing to A) help me learn about the uterus' many and varied manifestations or, B) make me feel better. The book from 1854 is more promising than the Friends DVD and the German film, but the t-shirt is just insulting. The nuns in the Aquitanian monastery probably knew some things about their uteruses, but I'm not convinced they would have slipped that knowledge into their Christmas carols. Maybe I should just get the plush, pink, grinning uterus to hug while I consider the sad dearth of information about my physiology. Dammit...It looks like I am going to have to write a book about the oddest of organs: The Uterus.

Almost Pregnant: Pt. 3

Sitting around last weekend and nursing my injured pride, I remembered what one of my best friends who has worked as a doula observed: that birth, and specifically the cutting of the umbilical cord, is the first moment that a parent begins to let go of their child--it's all downhill from there. I took this wisdom to heart and, having spent the last month of my life as the Fertility Nazi, have now decided to apply it to the process of getting pregnant (in lieu of starting my parenting life as the controlling mother I'm determined NOT to be). Being me, however, I found another book to read: With Child: wisdom and traditions for pregnancy, birth and motherhood by Deborah Jackson. Here's a gem:

"A desire for children can be so powerful that in the West fertility is often regarded as a thing to influence rather than as a natural force. When we can control almost every aspect of our lives, it comes as a shock if we do not conceive the moment we intend...It may be better to...imagine ourselves in the hopeful state of being 'almost pregnant'" (19).

I am SUCH a cliche! So Western, so anxious, so out-of-body and thus out of my mind. How have I lived 29 years and not learned this one, essential thing? Boo. However, I do love the universe for sending me this timely reminder that I am not, nor have I ever been, in control--despite my very elaborate and convincing illusions.

SO, here is my latest vow: make the chart, take the vitamins, skip the booze, and even disconnect the caffeine IV until my 30th birthday in a month and a half, return the library books, ban mechanical sex, do some yoga, sprint if I damn-well feel like it and say my honest prayers to "the ancient and universal mother goddess, in whose fruitful womb the gift of life is conceived" (Jackson 11). Opening up to the mystery of this process is yet another chance to learn the fine art of letting go. In this spirit, I am going to think of myself as officially "almost pregnant."

(And on my 3oth birthday in late November, I plan to crack open a good, dark beer and toast my progress--and then have a cup of delightfully caffeinated black tea in the morning. How's that for trusting the universe? Well, for me, it's pretty damn good.)

Almost Pregnant: Pt. 1

The prospect of becoming a parent is scary; I've mentioned that in my last two posts. But we're going for it, so I might as well get down to brass tacks and discuss our plan for getting a bun in this oven. I've been "taking charge of my fertility" in an attempt to get pregnant for the past two months. This means doing the requisite 6:30 am temperature taking, cervical fluid observation, and charting of all my activities (sexual and otherwise) on the handy-dandy spreadsheet that the infamous Toni Weschler provides in her fertility awareness method bible. This is not the first time I've followed her method; off and on for the past five years, I've enjoyed getting to know My Cycle in this way. Since My Cycle is very sensitive (isn't every gal's?), it tends to vary quite a bit based on stress; I've always liked predicting with confidence when my period might come, although I've never been willing to play with fire and use FAM for birth control.

When I started charting again this summer after our wedding, I felt like I was returning to a good way of life--similar to how I feel when I go to a yoga class after a year's absence and remember the stretchy openness of breath and body that used to be mine on a more regular basis. The FAM charting and the yoga both get me back into my body, if only for a few moments a day; but let's face it, I need all the help I can get to crawl out of my head and back into my own skin.

So, the first month we "tried" we were on our honeymoon and--fabulously--I was drinking and staying up late, having a grand old time throwing caution and condoms to the wind for the first time in my life. Apparently, this fertility method works for some people in terms of baby making, but not us. C'est la vie, I thought, and got ready to start my new job. It was probably for the best that I wouldn't have to discuss maternity leave before I got my first paycheck.

To be continued...