Plummers say the darndest things

The only line that really stuck out for me from the "Orgasmic Birth" film I watched yesterday was this: apparently, during labor and birth a woman's body produces its highest level of oxytocin, the which encourages attachment and bonding, which means that the first hour following birth is the most optimal moment for mother and baby to "fall in love." I thought that was interesting and sweet...

...And then my sink started leaking and my garbage disposal broke and we had to call in the emergency plummer, Jordan. He did a bang-up job digging the gunk out of our pipe and replacing the "sink blender" (which, apparently, is best cleaned by grinding about 12 ice cubes now and again). He also commented on the blissful peace and quiet in our home on a Saturday afternoon. Having 3- and 5-year-olds himself, he painted the distressing picture of a home in which the TV up all the way and the two kids are fighting about what to watch on TV, what they want/don't want for dinner, etc. We laughed and said we'd reconsider our interest in having monsters of our own.

Like any good dad, however, Jordan quickly moved to balance his portrayal of the wee ones. He smiled over our nasty, petrified pipes and said, "Despite the chaos, I would never not want to have kids, because when you have them, you get to fall in love again. You get to fall in love with the kids, but also with your wife or husband, just watching them fall in love with the kids..." As Jordan spoke, my husband smiled behind him and I loved him (my husband) for that little, hopeful grin. I could see where Jordan was going with all this--I guess oxytocin is not just for new moms any more.

Knowing what Einstein knew

" The intuitive mind is a sacred gift; the rational mind is faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift." ~ Albert Einstein

Lately, I’ve been thinking about not thinking, which is to say, I’ve been trying to get back in touch with my intuition. I say “back in touch” because (believe it or not) there have been times in my life when I was much more attuned to other ways of knowing and being. So I know I have it in me to listen to myself in ways that my quotidian chatter doesn’t typically allow.

One snowy day last winter, a new friend and I went cross-country skiing in the mountains above L.A. When I told this friend, who practiced midwifery for many years, that I was thinking about trying to get pregnant sometime soon-ish and that I really want to have twins, she suggested I start “talking” with my future baby/babies. I could tell them that my body and our home would be a good place for them, and let them know that they’re welcome to move in any time.

Now, for many people, this is some far-out shit, but for me it actually felt like the perfect advice. As obsessive of a thinker as I am, I do believe in the world of intuitive knowledge and communication. Since the days of kicking tracks in the wet SoCal snow, I’ve mentally made a handful of shout-outs to the potential twins within. I'm trusting my intuition to find the right kids. Who knows if it will work?

Last week at an acupuncture appointment, I was laying there with the needles chilling me out, and experienced this wonderful dream/fantasy/vision: I could see this sturdy, inviting, well-made nest built right into my body. It had a satisfyingly-symmetrical hollow in the middle and was lined with soft, grey-blue feathers all the way ‘round. I was looking at myself and the nest from above, seeing it tucked into the crook of my pelvis, like a real bird's nest tucked into a knot in a cottonwood tree. The dark brown twigs were all in place and there was just enough space for one…or two…tiny people inside. All the work on the nest had already been done, and it was just there, cozy and inviting, waiting for the babies to find their way.

Knowing that I have this nest within makes me feel ready. Birds learn to make nests instinctively; this nest within me was built on instinct too. It's a good sign, I think, that my intuition led me to the right tree. I hope my baby/ies have a homing instinct too.

Running into pregnancy

Every Sunday in the fall, I train with a running club to prepare for a half-marathon in December. when I decided to start trying to get pregnant, I mentioned my plan to my acupuncturist during a regular visit. She started at the thought, and said firmly, "Oh no, you can't run when you're trying to get pregnant. It can prevent implantation--all that pounding, you see what I mean?" In that moment, I was just as shocked as was my acupuncturist. I'd never considered giving up any physical activity in order to get pregnant or really even during a pregnancy, unless it became medically necessary. The notion that I'd already have to start compromising and "giving up parts of myself" for the sake of my unborn child was upsetting to me.

I started running to help myself deal with a series of losses a few years ago, and I found that it has helped my mental health more than anything besides hiking and camping. Although I still find it difficult and uncomfortable, I keep up with it as much as possible and set goals (like the half-marathon) for myself in order to maintain a routine that steadies my emotions. When I imagined giving up running for as long at it takes to get pregnant--and possibly for the pregnancy itself--I actually felt scared; how can I be comfortable in my skin without this hobby?

Naturally, I researched the topic online and found plenty of medical evidence confirming that, as long as you've been a runner, it's quite safe to continue running into your pregnancy (with a few reasonable restrictions later in the process). The OB-GYN I visited concurred, as long as I keep my heart rate below 140. So, I've been jogging in my usual pattern and have felt 95% sure that it was the right decision. I figured that my acupuncturist was being over-cautious since she primarily deals with couples dealing with infertility; I bought new running shoes and hit the road.

All has gone well, until this morning. Today, we did a 2 hour and 10 minute run, which turned out to be about 12 miles for me (we run very slowly in this phase of the training, much to my delight). I started feeling queasy around mile 10, and walked a while, but continued feeling "off" for the rest of the run. Even though I'm confident that the nausea was a natural reaction to the length of the run and the Lara bar I noshed on along the way, the feeling did make me pause. I wondered if I was depleting my reserves too much--am I hindering my chance at getting pregnant just so I can keep up my "hobby"? Is this a wise choice, in terms of my mental health, or a needlessly reckless one?

Several years ago, I read a book (which I THINK is called Baby Love by Rebecca Walker, but I can't quite tell based on the excerpts I've perused on Amazon) and in it, the author grapeled with the decision of whether or not she should continue to take her anti-depressants whilst pregnant. She was afraid of the affect the pills could have on the fetus, but she was also afraid of the affect SHE could have on the fetus, her life, and herself if she didn't keep taking her meds. In the end, she chose to take the medication and I remember thinking, wow, motherhood doesn't have to be all about sacrifice.

Now, here I am facing a (slightly) similar situation and I'm feeling guilty for making a similar choice. Running is my anti-depressant of choice in the autumn and I really do think it's better for everyone involved (myself, my husband and our potential child) if I just keep on moving. So, why do I feel still feel so conflicted about this decision? Uh-oh. I think I feel a mother's guilt before I'm even a mother! That sounds like me. I'd better go for another run...

Children of the pavement

One of my greatest fears is that any baby I may eventually have will become a "child of the pavement," as one of the characters so aptly puts it in The Awakening. Even though I grew up in lovely, soul-less suburbia, I did have daily access to ditches brimming with crawdads, dirt roads I could rumble down on my bike, long fields of corn in all stages of development and death, and the Rocky Mountains so close I could feel their presence even when the springtime fog obscured their view. Living in L.A., I miss seeing both homely livestock and majestic wild beasts; it's a primal longing to commune with other living things that I can't explain to my city-mouse husband.

What would childhood be if it didn't include the freedom to "light out" like Huck, to feel the freedom of being alone in a lonely place? Children need intimate access to growing things--flora and fauna untamed, unmanicured, untouched--to know their place in the universe. My husband argues that he got that know-how just fine on family camping trips and summer excursions along the West coast. But it tears a hole in my heart to know that our child would never, on a day-to-day basis, have the kind of relationship to open spaces that brought me so much solace growing up. Where will my child go when I tell her 'No' and she hates me and life and needs to cry and sing and run it out until the world is a place of possibility again? You can't do that in your bedroom; you can't do it at the mall; you can't do it online; you can't do it in the car, on a freeway. Maybe you can do it in a theater or a sports field or an art class--all good things that this city will offer at a caliber I never experienced as a child, I'm sure. But it won't be the same. It won't be outdoors...and I won't understand it.

There are few people in this world whom I consider true kindred spirits. These beloved friends and family all fully get this thing about lighting out when your soul calls. Even if they don't get out there very often, they have internalized the value of the wild, they they respect and crave its incomprehensible beauty. I can't imagine having a child who would not be this kind of kindred spirit, due to my failings as a mentor and guide. Every parent has a handful of values they feel they must pass on to their child: this baptism by dirt and sky tops my list.

How will I raise a "child of the wide open spaces" when all I can see is pavement?