Just when I think that I'm coming to terms with the strangeness of life, I see this video:
Is this humanly possible? I understand that denial "ain't just a river in Egypt," but it's hard to comprehend how an adult woman who has HAD a child wouldn't be aware of what's happening to her body. Yes, inexperienced and under-educated high school girls sometimes surprisedly give birth in bathrooms--but grown women? C'mon.
For better or for worse, this snappy little news clip makes me question everything I believe about how my intentions and attitude contribute to my ability to conceive. Is my yoga, acupuncture, Arvigo massage and nightly meditations to relax my body and invite my potential child into my womb a total load of BS? I mean, if this lady can not only GET pregnant but GESTATE FOR NINE MONTHS a healthy baby without ever knowing it, then maybe positive intentions and welcoming energy mean absolutely nothing! Does this woman's lack of awareness finally give me permission to be the pessimistic, anxious, cynical person that I try to fight being because I'm afraid these feelings make me less likely to conceive? Or should I just express and embrace those feelings, because they're real and, by my logic above, probably have no bearing on my ability to get pregnant?
One the one hand, it's thrilling to have an excuse to just be sad, since I always feel so guilty about my negativity, like it's to blame that we haven't had success. On the other hand, while it's exhausting trying to "be positive" all the frickin' time, I will admit that I probably do feel better when I force myself to be less pessimistic and to have internal hope and faith. But what about that saying "to thine own self be true"? What if that self is really angry and sad at this point? Isn't it a self-betrayal to hide your real feelings and pretend to be someone that you're not?
How do I find the balance between being real (i.e. cynical and negative) and being fake (i.e. trying to be positive despite myself), but ultimately--and I kind of hate to admit this--less depressed? One of my favorite books is Being Peace by Thich Nhat Hanh. Somewhere in there, the Buddhist monk basically encourages readers to smile as much as possible and to "fake it until you make it," which is to say keep smiling, until you really feel like smiling. By his logic, the fake smiling will eventually help you to smile authentically. I should probably start reading that book again. :-)