Friday, October 30, 2009

Wait and See

One of the hardest parts of the "almost pregnant" process for me--and for most women, I suspect--is the waiting and the seeing. I happen to be one of those people who's pretty good (maybe too good) at getting what I want, most of the time. There is not a lot of waiting and seeing in my life; there IS a lot of me forcing things to go the way I want them to go. It's not entirely comfortable for me to admit this, but I think it's true about me. (P.S. I don't think a man would feel so guilty saying that, so maybe I shouldn't either???)

However, there have been times when I have not been able to strong-arm life the way I prefer to do. Several potential lovers just did not see themselves as my potential lover, no matter what tactics I employed to help them see the light. Several graduate schools did not see me as their potential student, no matter what GPA I waved in their faces. And now, apparently, several sperm and several eggs have refused to do the hokey-pokey on command, no matter how optimal the conditions seem to be!

In each of these cases, I've looked back to think, well that was just the Universe trying to teach me A) that I'm not in control, or B) that that situation wouldn't really have been right for me. In moments when I am my better self, I can adopt this laissez-faire attitude and shake off my sense of indignation. But other times, I still feel very annoyed that I didn't get my way. Once a spoiled only child, always a spoiled...? Well, let's hope not.

But here's what my spoiled inner child really thinks: c'mon, this whole waiting for my period thing is a particular kind of torture! Every ping and pang, every moment of lightheadedness, every twist of the stomach is instinctively cataloged, analyzed, compared and filed away as evidence for or against possible pregnancy. To prevent disappointment, every month, I tell myself I really don't care if it happens this month, in fact, it would probably be a lot easier if it didn't because x, y, and z. But against my own better judgement, every month the evidence mounts and I feel like maybe, just maybe I AM pregnant! But then, instead of swooning with joy, I feel uneasy and worry about the loneliness of motherhood and the stress it would put on my marriage. Just when I think I've again got myself convinced that I'm not really ready for a baby, I start spotting and cramping and getting zits...and here comes my period, surfing this horrible wave of disappointment and despair. Oh poor me--indignant, spoiled girl that I am!

I think I just want to know that my body can do it--I just want to "win" one time so that THEN I can have confidence and faith that it will happen "when it's supposed to happen." Honestly, even if I miscarried, it would just be such a relief to know it really could happen. That my body really does know how to do this and I really don't have to muscle the issue. But right now I don't think I fully trust my body or the Universe. Too bad for me because, in accordance with the eternal wisdom of the Flaming Lips, "it's all a mystery."

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