Traitor!

Watching one of my colleagues (who is also the mother of a toddler) during a meeting today, I noticed how focused, yet also detached, she seemed. She made some excellent points but did not dwell on any particular issue; I appreciated both her insights and her brevity. After the meeting, I heard her on the phone with her child's caregiver and her voice was alive with feeling, yet still calm. I was jealous that she had something beyond work to care about with that level of integrity and purpose.

There, in the copy room, I had an epiphany: part of why I'm so invested in getting pregnant is that I'm ready for my life to center on something besides work. Which is also to say, I'm ready to have societal permission for my life to center on my relationships with the people I love. Now don't get me wrong, I plan to be a working mother. However, I do have the feeling that I'm ready for my career to be part of who I am, but not the focus of who I am.

This is not a new concept for me; I've always prided myself on not sacrificing my personal life and boundaries for my job. I think I do pretty well, but it's still oh so easy to think about work all the time, even as I enjoy a full life outside of my job. However, (while I could be wrong about this) my sense is that once you have a child you tend to think about them first and foremost. With all the obsessive work-thinking I've been doing this month, having a child's needs and happiness to attend to sounds like a relief.

Oh, the irony! Millions of women have fought long and hard for my right to devote my life to my career and to do the work that men do, for the "same" pay and the "same" respect. And now all I want right now is the chance to NOT take work so seriously? Some Feminist I am!

To be continued...