Sunday, November 1, 2009

Nine lives

I talked on the phone with an old boyfriend tonight--although we exchange emails here and there, we haven't spoken in seven years. It was bizarre how nervous I was to call him, even though I remember him very fondly. But when I heard his voice, coming sleepily across the line, it was amazing how familiar he still seemed; I remembered layers of experience long forgotten.

Whenever I am in touch with him, I think about the life I could have had, the "road not taken." It's not a vision that comes with regret or longing though; more of just a wondering, a "who would I be?" feeling that comes over me. It's because he's my only ex- with whom I've stayed friends and in whom I can still see the person I once loved--and so I also see in myself the person whom he once loved. Like any cat worth her salt, I've had at least three lives, and this guy was central to one of them.

Speaking of seeing ghosts, my husband was mentioning that there's a reason that I didn't get pregnant last month--some unseen force (the Universe? God?) knew that July 2010 wouldn't be the right time for us to become parents. The fantasy of the July Baby in my head is a whole life that I won't be leading. Babies un-conceived hang like benevolent Caspers in my imagination, taunting me with visions of the person I will not be (not in July, at least); ex-boyfriends call out of the blue, reminding me of ancient versions of me, of a skin I shed long must be Dia de los Muertos tomorrow for a reason.

1 comment:

  1. come on cathy- winter babies are way better anyway! you know this!
    really-my whole life i have felt that i would be a different and less cool person if i had been born in the summer...
    winter babies unite!